After the Death of a Spouse: 10 Things to Do BEFORE You Start Dating

September 13, 2024

1.   Slow down and commit to investing some time in getting ready to date. A little preparation work will help you protect your safety, have a more pleasurable dating experience, and possibly avoid heartbreak.


2.   Start a list of what you are looking for in a relationship. Do you want another marriage? Do you want a movie and dinner partner? Take your time with this step. Make your list, let it marinate for a while, and then go back and review what you wrote and add or subtract as needed. Consider sharing your list with your counselor, clergy person, or a trusted friend. This is a very important step. If you don’t know what you want … you are unlikely to get what you need. 


3.   What are your absolute deal breakers? This should be a short list but significant because if they are deal breakers, you’ll have to break the deal (a.k.a. stop seeing this person) if even one of them happens. Hopefully they will not, but if they do, you’ll be tempted to rationalize them away. And just so you know, if it’s there, it’s never going to not be there. A gambler will be a gambler, a smoker will be a smoker, one who lies will always lie. Asking for your money, for any reason, should absolutely be a dealbreaker.


4.   Do your safety research especially if you are going to participate in on-line dating. BE VERY CAREFUL. There are trolls on all social media sites looking to scam vulnerable people. Use only vetted dating sites. Make sure someone knows where you are going to meet, pick a public place, and don’t give out your home address.


5.   Now that you know why you want to begin to date, what you are hoping for, what you are not going to tolerate and how you will protect your safety, it might be a good time to share your intention to date with the kids. If they know what you are looking for and how you will protect yourself, they just might be more supportive of your dating adventure.

6.   As you get to know the new person, be gentle. If it’s not a deal breaker then it’s just something to lean in to. Unless it is something that scares you, then it should have been a deal breaker!


7.   Don’t be afraid to try new things. Don’t be afraid to introduce your new person to activities you enjoy.


8.   Keep an eye on YOU. Do you like how you are changing? Do you like how you are feeling? You should love yourself more in a good relationship.


9.   Maintain a comfortable pace. If the person you are dating is moving too fast or too slow for you, speak up.


10. Finally, enjoy. Remember every step of the journey … is the journey.



www.vittstermeranderson.com

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